You know that moment when you feel like everything is too good to be true? Well, usually it also is, but occasionally you can actually experience something so good that you might scare it away with your crazy irrational fears.
When something good happens in my life, I automatically start to worry about the possible downturn waiting for me. If I have deserved to experience some happiness, surely it must be just to build me up to handle the sorrow and pain that’s coming next, right? It’s such a negative way of thinking, but after what I’ve been through it’s hard to see a silver lining.
Losing the love of your life to cancer changes you. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing more to offer to anyone other than my daughter. Why should I bother meeting someone and fall in love? I’m probably just gonna get my heart broken anyway. I know it’s wrong to think this way, but the self critic and negative realist inside me won’t let go. It is almost if I set myself up for failure.
I so desperately want to live my life in a positive, open and grateful way, but it’s so much harder than I can ever begin to explain.
When I experience any good feelings, fall in love or achieve a goal, I want to be able to smile and rejoice in it, instead of worrying about the future. After all, that’s no way to live..